Well, I got myself registered, with my usual style. Hopefully my form'll make the day of whoever's job it is to read all of those things a bit more interesting. I mean it's gotta be pretty boring, reading through pages and pages of information about a bunch of people you've probably never met.
Before I sent the electronic form in, though, I found myself a pen and what passes for paper around here and made myself a hard copy. Been keeping it under my pillow, til I think of a better spot. That way, I can take it out and look at it every so often. It's pretty pathetic, I know. But so is being a Nobody in the first place. And... I can't check my marker in Proof of Existence any more, so... I've gotta do something, you know? Just to remind myself I'm still there.
I haven't told anybody else about it. Don't plan to either. They wouldn't get it. They're all complete; they all have hearts. They're real people. They know who they are, that they exist, because they can feel it. They just know.
Nobodies... we don't have that luxury. We were never supposed to exist. All we can do is cling desperately to whatever scraps of identity we've got left, and hope it'll be enough to keep us from fading away. Full of nothingness, going through the motions of existance, trying to fool ourselves into thinking there's actually some substance there. Incomplete. Empty.
I've... been noticing the emptiness alot more since I got here. No, that's wrong. It started before that. I think... I think it started the night you left the Organization. The night I found the winning ice cream stick you left me. I hadn't noticed it for a long time; guess I'd just gotten used to it, or something. Then you came along and... gave me this... illusion of having a heart. And for the first time in almost ten years it seemed like there was something there. It might've been just a pale immitation of the real thing, but... I felt things with you. Friendship. Guilt. Enjoyment. Sadness. After so long... it was like a long drink of cold water when you're desperately thirsty.
And then... you left. And you took all that with you. And I didn't want to give you up. Partly because I didn't want to give that up. I tried to bring you back. Came up with a stupid plan to turn Sora into a Heartless to get you back, that ultimately caused way more trouble than I meant it to, as my plans always seem to do. Finally wised up in the end, though.
Sora... he's a good Somebody. He'll take care of you, probly alot better than I did. I should be alright with that, knowing that you're complete now. I keep trying to distact myself, but... I'm still conscious of the emptiness. That... hollow sensation.... I think this must have been what it was like to miss someone. It has to be. I... miss you, Roxas. Told you I would, didn't I? Maybe... maybe with all this weirdness going on, you'll get brought here too. Then we could have ice ceam again. I hope we can.
In related news, there seem to be alot of new arrivals recently. They're proving to be a nice distraction. Always good to have people you can snark at with imputity, right? One of them even seems to have a similar sense of humor to me.
Need to find something more solid to do, though, before I start losing it. Most likely, finding a job, if anybody needs the skills of an experienced Heartless-killer and professional traitor. We'll see what happens.
Til next time,